LOVE.

MY NEW BODY WOULD LIKE TO DRESS LIKE THIS.

PERSONAL DEMONS

It's my birthday...
my 18th birthday at that.
but I'm not happy...not happy at all.



well i kinda am.
i went out to dinner with friends whom i love.
i got a new bag.
had a lot of fun at the restaurant.
but something is missing.

something so deep.
so deep i can't find it to fill it.
something soo deep.
I can't lie, it bothers me at nights.
There's so much i want to say.
so much i want to do.
but i can't. many things hold me down .



it wasn't always this bad.
it's been getting worse.
i don't like this feeling at all.
I'm not me anymore...I'm not who i want to be.
and now my laptop is getting moisten by tears.



anyone that knows me knows...excuse thinks I'm a HAPPY-Go-LUCKY person.
I'm not....well inside I'm not.
on the outside I'm loud, loving, carefree, and have a 'high' self-esteem...or so I've been told
inside....my inside is a mess.
it's a dark place...
a dark place i don't like to go.
that's why i hate hate Hate HAte HATe HATE HATE HATE being alone.

being alone gives me time to think.
i don't like thinking...i start to think of things.
things i shouldn't.
my inside is a jealous place.
i want what i CAN'T have.
i desire what i CAN'T have.
i need what i CAN'T have.



I'm truly a mess.
i don't like me.
well right now i don't.
i use to love me.
but now i don't.
would you like yourself if you looked like me?
i didn't think so.



my laptop is continuing to be moistened.
i get up in the morning hair and makeup is a must.
it's my mask.
a safety blanket.
and even that has fallen off now.
my skin so broken out.
my scars will never go away, no matter how many jars of coco-butter i use.
and the only scars worse than the visible ones are the invisible.
the ones you can't see on the outside.
the ones that reside on my heat in my mind and deep in my soul.
you know the kind only God himself can see.
if i didn't have hair and makeup.
i honestly don't think i would be able to look at myself in a mirror at this point.



i hideous size 18.
muther flippin 18!!!
what i have let myself get to.
i must admit i hate looking at my friends.
i swear their perfect.
I'm jealous.
so jealous it hurts and scars my soul
i want that .
i want that so much.
I'm desperate.
it's sad i know but i can't help the tears from rolling down.



it's not easy for me to lose weight.
i've tried.
and i've tried hard.
YOU FREAKIN HEAR ME!?!?!?
I'VE TRIED IT'S NOT EASY.
I HAVE FREAKIN TRIED!
you don't have to worry about losing weight.
that's why you telling me it's EASY.
MAN SCREW EASY!
i'm typing so hard i fear i might break my keyboard.


i hate every full body picture that has ever been taken of me.
they're disgusting.
i want to burn them.
that's not who i am!





mann i don't even think your understanding my words!
this is want i want.

something so timeless. so real. so beautiful. a real love. that can pass the test of time. that the other person loves you for you! not how you look...in fact they could care less how you look.the type of love where gifts are based on how much you put out. the type of love where no matter how much you fight you never go to bed mad. the type of love where when your down they pick you back up. the corny type of love where you can stay on the phone for hours not something one word. i just want someone to love me.

I'm a Fat Mess.

or at least that's how i feel.
omgosh. i have my good days
and i have my bad days
and when my days are bad...they're bad.
real bad.
my self-esteem has shot down so fast i don't even know where it went.
it's not even like i want/long/need to be skinny.


i don't at all.
i just want to be MY form of healthy.
i want to go from the picture above to this!





J.Hud is my idol.
i think she's beautiful.



UGHH the scaled killed me slowly and painfully this week
a huge disgusting dramatic ugly hideous 244 lbs.!!!
i am 5feet 3.5 inches there is no way i should weight that much.
a size 18!!!!


i hate it hate it hate it
i hate my body

so it's time for a change.
and i know i put it up before a while ago about a diet thing.
but I'm serious now.


4 months till prom i don't want to spend the rest of my life looking like this.


my goal:
to smash 50lbs out of my body.
True Life: i wish i were J.Hud
I'll be back with measurements when i get some measuring tape.